Seasons are what they are. I used to love the change from winter's bite to the blooms of spring. Guatemala is called "The Land of Eternal Spring" and it is nice. Temperate. But at times I miss the change.
Life has seasons too. We are in the little kid season. The Adoption season. The learning how to parent season. The struggle with calling and purpose and adequacy season. The my dad has cancer season. The our moms live too far away season. The I don't know what to do here season.
I feel the Lord pursuing me. Calling me to live the crucified life. The life where Jesus does the living through me. The life where I die and He lives. Where I trust Him completely. And not only trust Him, but ask Him to ordain circumstances that will require absolute surrender.
And here I find fear. Of all things, fear. Scared of what could happen I allow my trust to curl back into myself where it has no business but much power. I fear what could happen to my family if I ask the Lord to help me live the crucified life. And in that fear I have not love, for perfect love casts out fear.
So I end back where I always end: Needing to accept the overwhelming grace of Jesus which is manifest in my weakness. I find I need more and more grace because the deeper the Lord calls me to Him, the more I realize the profundity of my weakness. And in weakness there is fear. But I am not called to fear. I am called to be loved and to love Him in return.
Sounds so easy when I type it.