I sat last night in the soft red rocker, my son on my lap. Fuzzy plaid PJ's were pressed against me as he snuggled warm into my chest. Then, as is common, he jumped down and ran around ordering his trains and cars before listening to me read him a story. Every train and car has a bed, you know.
Up he jumped and grabbed his tag (blankie) and climbed upon my waiting lap chattering like an infomercial. Then he asked me,
"Daddy, is God bigger than monsters"
"Yes, little man." I told him. "God is bigger than monsters"
And in the second or two I had before he spoke again, I thought of how many monsters reign free when God is there to stop them.
But instead of asking another question, he simply turned around and grabbed my neck and hugged me and said, "I love you daddy" and wriggled his little bottom next to mine and asked me to tell him a story.
See, I'm too mature to just ask hard questions and be ok with the answer. I can't just ask God hard things and then when He answers accept what He gave me, snuggle into Him and say, "I love you daddy." I'm too grown up for that.
And I grieve it. For Jesus told me that I must be like my little son to enter the kingdom. That I must just trust Him and in trusting Him, let that be enough. I know there are those of us who say, "Wait a minute. I deserve answers." And yet so does my son. But does he need to know of all the monsters? We assume freedom in knowledge and prove ourselves ignorant time and again. How much greater is the gap between my heavenly father and me and my son and me? Whose the less enlightened? The wiser?
God does not care about answering my questions. He wants me to love Him. And to trust that what answers He has given are sufficient for me. He's not playing some game or demonstrating His prowess. That's what humans do. But when I ask Him a question like, "Why do you let monsters roam" I don't really want to know the answer. I'm just deflecting acceptance of God's worth in my trusting Him. I think that if I can solve the paradox that I will be content. That if I have my answers I will be at peace. But there is no mention of peace and answers in the Bible.
Peace comes from trust and rest from peace. And my little son who has breathed the air of this realm for a little more than 3 years demonstrates faith to me more than all the answers I have ever reasoned through. He teaches me to wonder again at what it means to rest in my Father who loves me and to let that be enough. And when monsters come (and they will) he has taught me to remember that they cannot take away my love for my son. How much more - infinitely more - can the love my Father has for me (and all of us) not be damaged or tarnished or reasoned away. Is not death our greatest monster? Will he too not be banished one day?
And so I rest - snuggle - ever so uncomfortably at first, in the chest of my Father. Who is bigger than all the monsters. Even the one's I'm too scared of to mention. And I have peace.