Tuesday

Fears and whatnot



I'm not a worrier.

At least not a very good one. Although there is more for me to worry about now (than say 5-10 yeas ago) I guess I just don't really like it much. That's not to say that I never worry or that things never weigh on me...

Ever get afraid of something?

Like standing in the shower and a thought comes to your mind of what could happen and it feels like a very full Rhino just nestled down for a nap on your chest? I think this never happened to me before I was married and the Rhino has grown quite a bit as we have had one and now 2 kids. Sometimes the Rhino just bumps into me and I get a little heavy-chested and then I remember, "Hey - none of this has actually happened" and he mosies along.

Sometimes he comes along and sort of headbutts me and I remember that, "Hey - he's really big and has a horn - maybe I should do something." Those times are usually actually good because it's something like I need to get life insurance or a will or put a new lock on the front door. Or maybe it's that I need to pray for someone or something that is happening right then or I need to pray for my kids or help Jenny with something.

But then there are times when the Rhino barges in and runs me over and the sun gets blocked out by his enormity and I go from tooting merrily along to getting squashed beneath the Brobdingnag bulk of whatever the Rhino brings. And I wake up after a second and it's dark and stinky (rhino's are not clean, you know) and I'm...

Scared.

Fearful.

Worried.

It is then that Someone within me, a someone who was over the waters and the darkness, who was and is and is to come, who cannot be crushed by the Rhino - who made the darn Rhino - it is then that this Someone whispers faintly to me in the dark.

"be anxious about nothing"

And then - silence.

No flashing lights. No bell tower bonging. Nothing.

But in that nothing there is a lot of something. That silence is not my Savior being absent. It is not Him withdrawing His Spirit or His power and NEVER His love. It is, in great wonder, the Creator and Sustainer of all things - waiting. Waiting. Waiting for me.

To trust Him.

He is, after all, the Teacher and when a teacher asks a question, does He not allow time for His pupil to respond? Does He not let the silence hang? Does He not let the obscene stench and the crushing weight of that rhino continue? He waits while I make a decision. A decision to focus on the rhino - to examine and ponder, to go from blind fear to the terror of knowing that Rhino's every gnarl and hair.

or

I talk to Him. And He helps me see the Rhino through His eyes. As something there to help me trust Him. As an obstacle to be victorious over. As an instrument of growth.

And the longer I wait, the bigger that Rhino seems and the harder it is to utter a word and listen. But never has nor ever will that Someone, My Lord, My Jesus, never will He abandon me beneath the crushing beast.

And listen will He always when I whisper faintly, "help"

3 comments:

Ian S. said...

You come by it honest - Mom taught us pretty well.

(No offense, Mom. We still love you!)

And when I'm asking God for help it's usualy not in a whisper - it's usually a desperate scream.

mutating missionary said...

I love His still small voice.

Anonymous said...

World Of Warcraft gold for cheap
wow power leveling,
wow gold,
wow gold,
wow power leveling,
wow power leveling,
world of warcraft power leveling,
world of warcraft power leveling
wow power leveling,
cheap wow gold,
cheap wow gold,
buy wow gold,
wow gold,
Cheap WoW Gold,
wow gold,
Cheap WoW Gold,
world of warcraft gold,
wow gold,
world of warcraft gold,
wow gold,
wow gold,
wow gold,
wow gold,
wow gold,
wow gold,
wow gold
buy cheap World Of Warcraft gold f3c6b7mx